After a long and eager waiting, I finally reached home yesterday though only for three days. Mom was on leave while dad was in office and Varun, still in college practicing his ramp walk for the coming Freshers night. He has turned into an angry young man, aggressive at times. Bunking lectures, full proxy, ragging his own batch mates, playing guitar, chess, lawn tennis, IEEE, night outs and list goes on. He is my role model. ;)
I entered home and the moment I stepped on the weighing machine, I found that the needle stopped five units before the earlier fixed line. Can’t control the overwhelming joy that surrounds me. Went straight to the kitchen to tell my mom and not to much of my surprise I got a lecture on having regular meals and a contemptuousness for dieting.
I spent my day talking to mom (not much of college stories this time). I was having a nice time but, then came the news that mom might have to go to Punjab in order to attend the funeral of her chachaji i.e. my grandmoms brother in law. Though we have never earlier visited his place and was never in touch with him or his family.
If mom goes she will be leaving on Saturday morning and will be back on Monday night. My heart sank the moment I heard that. I can’t let her go. My mama and mausi had only one reason to convince my mom to come “achha nahi llagta” ,”society ki baat hain” and all those phony things. My mind again took a stroll. why should my mom go? Society?? since one cant ignore the society all together and if a small act of yours can calm them down then why not. Not convincing though.Or maybe the family members will feel better to have some of their relatives at this point along with them. On the contrary, they will have to serve them and show utter grief for the loss of an elder family member which they might not feel from within. If my mom’s going would have made any difference, I wont have any problem. But the reason is stupid and she has a bigger reason not to go. In the end, she didn’t and I was back to life. Though mom and dad will be visiting them next weekend or so.
The first two days were good. I learnt making puri and realized that though cooking is fun but not easy. I love home made food and this time the simple chapattis also tasted so relishing. Attended my cousins engagement, where I was the one behind the camera. Canter of attraction of all my relatives. Caught them unaware and had lots of fun. People cant stop caring about me and repeating the same thing ‘you looking so weak. What happened?’ Who cares? Am happy though dad is still worried about my weight loss.
Fight Within
I looked at him
He was lying on the ground
Eyes filled with pain
He was begging for some alms.
I closed my eyes,
I looked aside
I missed a beat from inside.
I moved ahead thinking of him
I wanted to help but I didn’t.
For a while, I kept that thought aside
‘I will think about it later, I don’t have time’
or
‘Don’t entertain begging, as its a crime’
Convincing thoughts, am again busy with my life.
Long after, I dreamt of him
He woke my soul and I can’t sleep
The night is dark, I searched for some LIGHT
What do I do, I can’t decide.
Inhumane act
Life goes on
I ran away and missed the song.
solitude
It was a good day. Was at peace with myself after a long time. Realized its importance more than before.
Unable to do anything in the afternoon. Caught hold of two books – Ben Hur by Lew Wallace and Rudali by Mahasweta Devi. Read few pages, got bored and left it. It needs patience and I was quite restless at that time. And since am writing a post after a long time, I missed on quite a few things, like I have developed a new interest in reading (at the cost of my baddy sessions). Hope I manage to continue with this. The problem is in selecting the book to start with, the size of which usually haunts me. Though I just managed to complete a 612 pages novel ‘A Fine Balance’ by Rohinton Mistry. Can you beat that! Am so proud of myself. A novel that helps me look out of my domain and brought me closer to reality. Helps to shape my frequently erupting thoughts. Taught me that life is not just fun, that the reality is residing just next to us and we refuse to open our eyes. Books, newspaper, magazines are just a superficial contact to the outer world. Crying for same things day in and day out. Running fast but still revolving about a point. Trying to solve our self created problems. Cursing life for no good reason. We, the future of our country, smoking away our present. Making ‘fun’ as the goal of our life deluded by the fact that this is life.
So unable to do anything in the afternoon, I went off to sleep. Was attached to two things earlier – food and sleep. Though food has lost its importance now. A little inspired by Gandhiji. He was 48kgs in 1946, height 5 feet 10 inches. Used to eat just one meal a day for more than 5 months, as an act of penance.
Found a new friend who is just like me. Talks less, understands me without me saying anything and I can share anything with it. That’s my dear friend “Solitude”.
In the evening, I watched ‘Cast Away’. And what can be a better movie for that state of my mind. The only difference being, I am a voluntary loner and he was forced. Movie ended with a beautiful line:
Never stop breathing
For the sun will rise again tomorrow
And who knows what time has in store for you.
Then the freshers night. I had company for sometime. But after an hour and a half, they too left and I was sitting alone enjoying every moment over there. Alone but not lonely. Lost in the crowd but can feel myself. ‘life is meaningless’ – my new pseudo-mantra.
There was Mr and Miss Freshers contest and I was the disheartened soul with the final decision. Didn’t know whom to blame – the judges, the system or the society. I left oat the moment result was declared.
Went to DJ night at 12. The big bang music could not shake my contended soul and I thought I would sit and watch. Or I need a sutta or two to wake up the sleeping freak inside me. But it took me hardly five minutes to set in tune with the night and I sweat it out. I was not dancing but doing aerobics, and loving that. It was fun after a long passive day.
It took me a long 15 minutes to go to sleep after I went to bed.
Enough of self- realization today. Back to track from tomorrow.
SEP22, 2006
